Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
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him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
*me flirting
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so