[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
You Might Also Like
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Meow?
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there