My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
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As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I can’t stop watching this.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.