If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
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If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.