me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
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oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Good advice.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?