Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
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[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.