Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
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If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I need a headline like this
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya