Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
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[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
how to market bottled water to dads
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.