Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
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Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.