i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
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I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee