Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
You Might Also Like
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
What the hell happened in there??
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao