Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
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[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
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6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it