how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
βΆ πββββββββ 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
βΆ πββββββββ 74:36:15
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If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why itβs not ok to give my kids ketchup thatβs 2 years expired.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I hate that feeling after surgery when youβre not sure if youβre awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Sorry I canβt make it to your party this weekend, but Iβm busy not wanting to come.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping childβs face while taking a picture of them. Itβs called balance
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
Itβs kids. I have kids.
me hooking up with my ex
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
(yawn)
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought Iβd do you all a favour and not.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either