Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
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[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Bond. Trauma bond.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.