me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
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*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
new career option?
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other