I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
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I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I hope they boil the right one.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat