Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
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Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
barbara was highly relatable
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN