Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
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ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take