The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
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me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
new career option?
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”