[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
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If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
I’m confused about plants
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Confused owl: What?!