Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
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I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
kids play hide and seek like
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.