If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
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Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.