.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
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Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Covid like
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Lmao the reply
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin