“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
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Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
no one likes gloating
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Please do it!
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.