Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
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Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
LMAO.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
[montage of me giving-up]
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.