My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
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12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
why am I working on Labor Day
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
My work here is done
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is