ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
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*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I have a black belt in leather
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
He’s cranky this morning
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.