her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
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Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
We’ve all been there…
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years