Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Those are good neighbors.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
$3 #books
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.