Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
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they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Said the murderer.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
a fate I wish upon no one
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Don’t we all.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit