[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
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sigh
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?