This is no longer winter this is harassment
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Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.