*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
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Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
We’ve all been there
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.