WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
You Might Also Like
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.