You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
You Might Also Like
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Nice try Hitler
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Yoga Matt
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.