They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
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If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
#milo
Me My dog
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I’d love this…lol
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?