Ok, but like, how married are you?
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*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.