Ok, but like, how married are you?
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“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even