Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
You Might Also Like
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.