My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
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[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.