I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
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I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.