My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
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really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.