Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
This is my brand.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
it be like that
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.