“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
You Might Also Like
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Called it
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS