Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
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Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.