Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
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[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind