[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
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Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Teach your children to beatbox
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.