1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
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*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
my professor scared me for a second
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
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Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.