*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
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ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.