me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
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Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Lmaoo 😂
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.