Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
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[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Who.
Did.
This?
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.