Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
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[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
accurate
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no